The First C of Dating: Communication

Whether you’ve dated or not, you’ve already had some form of this conversation with friends and family before. “The Food Allergy Talk” is where you explain your food allergies to your significant other, the steps they’ll need to take to keep you safe, and what to do in the event of a food allergy emergency. “The Food Allergy Talk” will likely be multiple conversations as you and your significant other get to know each other, so you don’t have to drop all the information on them at once. 

An important part of this conversation that is specific to dating - you have to inform your significant other that an allergic episode can be caused by kissing. This is not something that your significant other will automatically assume, so it’s necessary to be explicit with them.

Here are some things you are going to want to convey to your significant other in “The Food Allergy Talk” as you’re getting to know them:

• What you are allergic to
• What a food allergy is
• What happens when you have an allergic reaction
• Where you keep your epinephrine
• How to inject epinephrine if you are unable to do so (Use the trainer to teach them!)
• Determine what your comfort level is with the following questions:
  • Are they allowed to eat your allergens around you?
  • If you’re visiting their place of residence, do they need to remove your allergens?
  • What safety precautions do they need to meet to kiss you? (Check out the cognizance section, but you know your limits and comfort levels more than anyone else!)

Tone is important when having these conversations. If you present your food allergies like an inconvenience, they’re more likely to treat it like an inconvenience. But if you present the information with confidence and knowledge, they’ll recognize and accept your food allergies as just another facet of who you are!
 

The simple reality is that there is no correct answer here. It is going to vary by situation, and what you’re comfortable with. A misconception is often that “The Food Allergy Talk” has to be one big, overwhelming, and scary conversation. But as mentioned above, it should be a recurring conversation! You don’t have to share every single detail about your food allergies in the first message or conversation with someone. The details can be revealed over time as they become applicable! For example, if you do not have a contact or airborne allergy, and for your first date you’ve decided to go play mini golf, the situation doesn’t necessarily require you to explain how to administer epinephrine if you’re unconscious or unable. At the same time, however, if your food allergies come up naturally in conversation - or you’re comfortable bringing them up - talk about your food allergies as much or as little as you want. No harm, no foul! You’ll likely find that people are naturally curious about our lifestyle and they have lots of questions.

To reassure you, no time is considered “too soon.” Depending on the number and severity of your food allergies, sometimes it’s easy to keep them under the radar until you want to talk about them. However, if the reason you’re not sharing your food allergies with your significant other is because you think you’ll “scare them away,” don’t be. There are two outcomes of the food allergy talk: 

• Your significant other will show concern and a desire to learn more in order to help keep you safe. (Yay!)
• Your significant other will decide that they don’t think they can take on that responsibility and decide to not date you.

While the first outcome is obviously preferable, the second has an honest benefit. If someone isn’t willing to adapt their life in small ways to help you, is that someone you really want in your life? If you didn’t have food allergies, this characteristic in your significant other would be revealed eventually in a different scenario. AKA, your food allergies just became the most blatant screening process for a great significant other!

The three options you have for when to tell them about your food allergies are as follows: before the first date, during the first date, or sometime after the first date. Yup. It’s quite literally as straightforward as that. Having the food allergy conversation with someone is not about their reaction to it, it's about keeping YOU SAFE. If you know that you’ll be more comfortable on a first date, whether there’s food involved or not, with your date knowing your allergies, then tell them before! But if you’d rather wait to see if the date is going well before telling them, during the date or after might be better for you.
 

Once again, there is no “right” way to share your food allergies with your significant other. But, that doesn’t mean there aren’t some easy tactics you can take advantage of! The mood of the conversation doesn’t have to be heavy and dark even while you’re conveying important information to keep you safe. 

Ask a question that will open up the conversation to food!

• What’s a fun fact about yourself?
  • They’ll likely ask the question in return to you, or you respond to their fun fact saying “A fun fact about me is that I have food allergies!” This opens up the opportunity for them to ask questions like: what are you allergic to; how allergic are you; wait, does that mean you’ve NEVER had pizza before?! You get the idea.
• What’s your favorite food?
  • If you have a lot of food allergies, they’re likely to respond with something you’re allergic to. Your response can be along the lines of “Oh wow I’ve always wanted to try that! But I’m actually allergic to that :(“

Bring it up over text!

If you’re nervous about an in-person conversation, there’s nothing wrong with telling them over text! The beauty of technology, am I right? Whether you’ve connected with this person online or exchanged numbers in person, sometimes the stress of telling them that there are “conditions” to kissing or steps they need to take to keep you safe can dissipate if you have time to draft what you want to say - and in turn, you give them time to react and process what you’ve told them! This is especially helpful when you’re already anticipating that goodnight kiss at the end of the date ;) I know talking about kissing before actually kissing someone can be awkward - so it’s okay to address the awkwardness! 

Here are some examples of what you can say, but take the liberty to adapt these to meet your standards of safety:

• Hey, I know this is a little awkward, but I need to let you know that because of my severe food allergies, I can’t kiss someone if they’ve eaten something I’m allergic to. 
• Hey Joe! Before we meet up for our date, I just want to let you know that I’m allergic to ______ and for me to feel safe while we’re hanging out, can you avoid eating those foods for a few hours before? I’d really appreciate it.
• Just a heads up! I have severe food allergies, which means that if you want to kiss me, you have to wait ___ hours after your last meal and brush your teeth.
• Remember how I told you that I have food allergies? Well it can affect more than just what I eat. I can’t kiss someone if they’ve eaten something I’m allergic to in the last few hours.

Read their body language on the date - if you think they want to kiss you (and you wish you could kiss them too!) tell them the situation about why you can’t!

Okay, so you’ve decided to wait until you were on the date - which likely means you can’t get a kiss goodnight. But fear not, your date’s attempt at a kiss goodnight could be the perfect opportunity to tell them about how your food allergies affect kissing. Look for clues that your date might want to kiss you. If they’re about to lean in, or you’re wishing YOU could lean in - that’s as good a time as any to share! 

• I really want to kiss you right now, but because of my food allergies I can’t kiss you unless some precautions are taken. Maybe next time?

After the date is over, there’s another texting opportunity!

So you said goodbye, avoided the kiss, and went your separate ways. But maybe you wanted to kiss them! Thanks again to technology, you can tell them that over text!

• Hey, I had a lot of fun today. I honestly really wanted to kiss you, but the only reason I didn’t is because I have severe food allergies and can’t kiss anyone who’s eaten _____.